This is a real case and the facts are as reported to us by the wife of an elder and her daughters.
Wife is 82 and her husband is 81. They have amassed significant wealth, though the husband was always in charge of managing it. But a few years ago, he got persuaded by a woman who “got close” to him, to give her several hundred thousand dollars. It was the first time his wife had ever seen him do something so irrational with their finances. She was furious! But the money was gone. She did not see this as possible warning signal of changes in her husband’s judgment about money.
Husband’s Decline
Years passed. The husband gradually became more irrational. He spent months at their home in another country where the couple had friends, medical care, enjoyment of the locale and the culture. While they were there, the husband’s doctor suggested he try yoga. He had suffered back pain and the doctor said yoga would help. He referred him to a young female yoga teacher who came to their home. She immediately “got close” to this elderly man, meaning taking an intense interest in his personal life and sharing details of her life as well. She had a sob story about her struggles as a single mother whose husband had left her. He began to give her money. She kept asking for more. His wife found out and put her foot down. She moved him back to their home in the U.S. and finally had him evaluated by two different doctors back home. He was diagnosed with dementia and the doctors said he should not handle finances any longer. He kept giving money to the yoga teacher anyway.
This meant that his wife had to take over as the assigned power of attorney and successor to him on their multiple trusts. She had never managed their money before. The doctors told her husband directly to stop dealing with finances but he ignored this, fought his wife and argued that he was fine. What he really wanted was to give the yoga teacher more and more money. He was obsessed. The wife came to AgingParents.com for advice. How could she stop her husband from continued abuse by the wicked yoga teacher?
The advice was complex in nature and dealt with many aspects of control over her impaired husband. We summarize some of the action items we advised her to do about finances right away. Many of these things were suggested to her by his doctor, but she had not started to do them. She needed to move forward with guidance.
Action Steps For The Wife
- With legal authority as a power of attorney, she needed to take away all her husband’s credit cards and give him only one: a limited TrueLink prepaid credit card over which she had real time updates, and the ability to allow charges only where she approved them.
- She needed to bring the Certification of Trust, the document that officially said she was now the trustee, and her husband was not, to all the institutions where the couple had accounts. The lawyer had prepared it but she had not presented it. She needed to inform all the institutions that he no longer had authority to do any financial transactions.
- She needed to report the ongoing financial abuse by the yoga teacher to the country where this manipulator had started to bilk her husband. Fortunately they were cooperative and notified the yoga person to stop contacting him or she would be arrested. That was outside the U.S.
- She needed to cut off the yoga teacher’s ability to reach her husband. She blocked her from his phone, blocked her on his Facebook, the teacher’s favorite way to reach him, and blocked her from his email.
- Of course, she had reported the yoga teacher’s financial abuse to law enforcement and Adult Protective Services in the U.S., but they took no action. We advised her to keep monitoring his social media and phone to be sure the predator did not invent a way around the blocks to further manipulate him. She was crafty and determined.
The Wife’s Burden
She has a burden now to try to protect her husband, to manage his increasing physical care with his caregivers, and to handle all the finances she never handled before. We got her in touch with an ethical Certified Financial Planner to help her learn and get support and direction with her decisions.
She suspected that the doctor who referred the yoga teacher was in cahoots with her and could have been getting a kickback. In retrospect, she thought the referral to the yoga manipulator was suspicious. She reported him to the local authorities there also. She will continue to have questions as her husband’s needs increase. The saga continues but he is safer now and has no access to their substantial funds.
The Takeaway:
In any family, if an elder does something very irregular and out of character with money, take it as a warning sign. Financial judgment is the first ability to decline with dementias. It can develop slowly over years. Seek legal advice from a competent lawyer who understands dementia. And know that such understanding is not something lawyers get in law school. Some learn it on their own through professional organizations, classes and continuing education courses. Get advice so that financial abuse does not happen nor recur.
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